Slippery Knees Syndrome

The following paper has been submitted to the world’s leading scientific journals.

Slippery-Knee syndrome; a research-led examination of a common paddling affliction, by Professor Nemo Kane (Officially Listed Doctor For Any Relative Theory).

Slippery-Knee syndrome accounts for around 93.5% of all unexplained wet exits in the paddling community. It usually occurs on the most benign stretches of river at the most unexpected times and only affects experienced paddlers.

Although referred to as Slippery-Knee, the process involved actually begins in the brain. For some as yet unknown reason the motor control functions of the brain become confused resulting in the paddler’s sudden inability to control his legs (The syndrome only affects men). This results in an involuntary movement or ‘slip’ of the knees from their braces to the centre of the cockpit, whereby the sudden upward pressure causes the spray deck to ‘pop’, leaving the paddler with no option but to swim.

Slippery-knee syndrome is highly contagious and can spread rapidly from paddler to paddler. In fact, in recent years, major epidemics have been recorded in a large number kayak clubs.

Although most common in calm water or ‘stupid places’, the rate of incidence of Slippery-Knees usually increases in waves, holes and tricky rapids, giving rise to the theory that the virus may be more prevalent in aerated water.

Victims of Slippery-Knee syndrome often show signs of confusion and a heightened sensitivity to questions such as: “What happened your roll?” Or “Why didn’t you stay in your boat?”

Finally, Slippery-Knee Syndrome should be regarded as a serious illness to be treated with sensitivity and not confused with a panic-stricken, chicken-shit wet exit. NEVER laugh at a victim of Slippery-Knee syndrome, because remember what your Mammy always said, “Mocking is catching”.

My thanks to all the members of Rockhoppers Kayak Club for spending so much time in the water in support of my research, especially: Garvan (Lucan High-Drop, Liffey), Niall (Stackallen Monster, Boyne), Macker (Lucan High-Drop, Liffey) and Walshy (Any moving water).

The above paper has been rejected by the world’s leading scientific journals.